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Dispatches From the Well

by Fiona Chamness

supported by
Miriam Hitchcock
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Miriam Hitchcock These songs never stop being smart and powerful. It's near impossible to choose a favorite track. The first many, many times I listened to "what's wrong with us" I full on wept. There is so much cleverness, imagery, and feeling in "When I Finish Building My House" and "Elegy for the Flying Machine" that I could almost give up as a lyricist. "Brave Songs, Tired Songs" is often, often exactly what I need to hear. And I just think the message of "The Well" is so important and the song conveys it extremely well. Fiona is an amazing songwriter and so this album is amazing. Favorite track: The Well.
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1.
Demonfeed 03:25
Go 'way from me, smoking god Get out of my eyes You fill my sight with ironwood You fill my sight with flies Go 'way from me, ragged claws Get you off my back I am not your one true love & you are not my haversack Don't come knockin' at my window Don't come rattling my door Don't sit down across the table I can't feed you anymore Go 'way from me, heavy heart Pull the anchor in Make me like the marble snake Let me shed my skin Go 'way from me, sleeping bear Let me out this cave I am not your winter's meat & you are not my buryin' place Don't come knockin' at my window Don't come rattling my door Don't sit down across the table There ain't nothin' here no more Get away o devil's tongue Won't you shut your jaw I am hoarse & hollow from Abiding by your law Get away, o get away You socket wrench, you thunderstorm I am not your furnace coal & you have never kept me warm Don't come knockin' at my window Don't come rattling my door Don't sit down across the table Don't you wait for me come morning Don't you follow down the alley Don't you dog me down the road Don't you poison all my coffee Don't you tread upon my throat O my blindfold, o my bloodhound O no lightbulb, o no sound O no welcome, o no white noise O no ocean, o get out Get out, get out, get out, get out
2.
Good 04:31
If I'm old enough to give up drinking am I good enough for you If I'm ship enough to keep from sinking am I good enough for you If I'm eye enough to stare without blinking am I good enough for you If I'm stupid enough to do my own thinking am I good enough for you If I'm mother enough to protect my own am I good enough for you If I'm honest enough to have no home am I good enough for you If I'm sinner enough to cast the first stone am I good enough for you If I'm rude enough not to leave you alone am I good enough for you Cuz I am not too good, no, I am not too clean You don't get to say you don't deserve me That is not my scene If I'm fast enough not to bother running am I good enough for you If I'm fox enough not to use my cunning am I good enough for you If I'm electric enough not to care that I'm stunning am I good enough for you If I'm truce enough to keep on gunning am I good enough for you If I'm stomach enough to throw up my fear am I good enough for you If I'm glass enough to be perfectly clear am I good enough for you If I'm daily enough to make up a year am I good enough for you If I'm in it enough to still be here am I good enough for you & yes, I am a noble girl, I believe in what I give & my thoughts are as evil as everybody else's That's what noble is If you're hungry enough to ask to be fed you're good enough for me If you're blanket enough to share my bed you're good enough for me If you're sane enough to lose your head you're good enough for me If you're fool enough not to wish you were dead we might still get ourselves free If you're broke enough to declare the break you're good enough for me If you're tall tale enough to admit you're fake you're good enough for me If you're stuck enough to still have a stake you're good enough for me If you're scared enough to shiver & shake you're good enough for me Cuz I'm gonna scare you black & blue, gonna blast you til you grow Gonna make you hold me accountable, I'm gonna make you hold me close & I won't reassure you when I try to do what's right None of us is a goddess, none of us is a light None of us is a light no no no none of us is a light None of us is a light no no no none of us is a light None of us is a light none of us is a light none of us is a light There's just the sweat that pools on our soft red armor It glitters when we fight
3.
O my house is standing water O my house is a broken bone O my house is thread unraveling O my house is a pumice stone But when I'm finished building my house It'll be nothing like you've seen If you're lost you're gonna find it easy Gonna take your cuts & it'll wash 'em clean, oh When I finish building my house You can hate your body, you can hate your mind You can hate yourself & you can hate mankind Your neighborhood is a fire pit You grew up burned where the ashes lit So of course we're starving & angry & mean & bite the hands of our friends But when I'm finished building my house We're never gonna go hungry again Oh, when I finish building my house Oh, when I finish building my house I get so tired of my fucked up heart Can't let anyone leave, can't let anyone start Can't wish you well without breakin' my teeth Hammering hard at what's underneath I'm a jagged girl with her windows out & I let everything in But when I finish building my house My kids will kiss every inch of your kin Oh, when I finish building my house Oh, when I finish building my O today I got nowhere to live my Lord & no idea how to begin & I can't seem to stop going out for blood Just to fill my hollowness in But when I finish building my house I won't cause nobody else no sufferin' O oh oh oh oh, o oh oh oh oh oh Gotta pillage your lungs, gotta stretch your skin Spit out nails so you can pound 'em in Gotta say your dumb mantras & breath all day Smash the system & make it pay Gotta teach your enemies a better way Gotta make 'em weep, gotta make 'em pray Gotta sit with the bitter & stay stay stay Gotta go to the ones I hurt & say O my house is standing water O my house is a broken bone O my house is thread unraveling O my house is a pumice stone But I will welcome you to the table Welcome in what power is afraid of O my house my house my house Too open to live in on my own & you know what they say about building a house You already got you a floor So you put up your walls & you hold up your roof & then you can open the door So as soon as I finish building my house I won't have to turn you away no more, oh When I finish building my house Oh when I finish building my When I finish building my When I finish building I won't have to turn you away no more
4.
Woke up this morning, my head full of trouble & pain Woke up this morning, my head full of trouble & pain Lord I never did drink but the hangover feels just the same Can't stay in this house, Lord, can't climb this long ladder no more Can't stay in this house, Lord, can't climb this long ladder no more I get up to the top, there's a window that once was a door I went into town, Lord, my friends thought that they were on fire Said I went into town, Lord, my friends all thought they were on fire Wish I could think of some water, Lord, I never have been a crier The up is so up, Lord, I just wish the down weren't so down Said the up is so up, Lord, I just wish the down weren't so down Can't stay in this house, gotta find me a new way around Cuz it's a long shakin' ladder, & I never know which way I'm goin' Said it's a long shakin' ladder, never do know just which way I'm goin' & I'm scared to look down, Lord, & find I been climbin' it wrong Woke up this morning, my head full of trouble & pain Woke up this morning, my head full of trouble & pain But don't worry your head cuz I soon will be burnin' Don't know what I'll do til I think that I'm burnin' Don't worry yourself Lord, I soon will be burnin' again
5.
O hear & take warning, but spare me your pity It's a spit-ugly city in the dark of the morning You stumbled 30 paces to my doorway of all places Lookin' like a traveler king who'd fallen from his throne You hated to be charming, but you needed warmth & whiskey & you came to me & kissed me like I needed your disarming But oh your bittersweet talkin', the way you tried to keep on walkin' I said This is the Inn of Wayfarers - make yourself at home You were folded like a promise, like I hadn't seen the best yet Like your soul was something precious you were squeezing in your fist We filled the days with joking, you would sing like you were choking A lullaby for flinty evenings wearing down to rain Then they said ghosts were singing through you, I said Who needs that kind of glory, you said It makes a damn good story So it might as well be true You'd laugh like you were haunted, run away from what you wanted & from the Inn of Wayfarers - who knew if I'd hear from you again But I'm as much a child of the highway as you I sing as much as I get sung to & I couldn't sit & wait to see if you'd be passing through I closed up the Inn of Wayfarers with my own wayfaring to do I roamed through the country, grew strong as nails & leather Glad & sorrowful together, like vinegar & honey Til one day I heard you playin', all that bullshit you were sayin' About the kid you'd left behind, a crying china doll I said Hey there, Gypsy Davy, you're as cruel as you're unfair Sure, I've been tearing out my hair & having thoughts of going crazy But I'm no teller's tale, I'm not ended, not for sale Don't make me sound like someone's jail, the Inn of Wayfarers Was never that at all You said I was cold & hungry babe & it showed you your own hunger Is it really any wonder we both starve unless we're free There's nothing beautiful about it, if it hurts then live without it I'm King of the Amnesiacs & I don't need your blame I thought my heart was breaking for the way you could forget me Then all at once it hit me & my fingers started shaking Your scorn is how you cower & my memory's my power & you're as trapped as I am in the tales that make the game I said It cracks me up to hear you, you're one stupid lucky bastard That I love you when you're plastered, but I've no need to be near you You'll never know what you were gambling, I've done my rambling & I did it without forgetting your name
6.
Radiator 04:03
You laid down halfway on my bed & you said, I can sleep on the floor I shook my head You stretched out along the radiator I asked, is this something that could get you in trouble Are you sure, you said We're just going to sleep I said I know, I just don't wanna be that girl You said I understand & I laid down & I stayed, even though my arms were cold Even though my feet were cold I was safe with my back against your hands I put on some socks I put on a sweater I listened in the dark to your lungs & the radiator You got up & went out of the room When you came back you headed for the floor I lifted my head & you changed direction You waited til my breath went slow You had an arm over my side I let go of how my muscles hold themselves You said I'm sorry as you climbed quietly out I woke up sick to my stomach thinking I had overstepped When the sun rose I stood over your feet to make the coffee You got up & stretched & we stood there & you said Yeah, so your radiator's really really hot Like really hot, I'm sorry & I said Oh, & you reached your arms out to me & I could've cracked up I knew you weren't kidding I knew you would've stayed
7.
My mom is sleeping, she's sleeping on the couch Heartbreak day's a long cage & she's not crawling out I'm worried that she's sick because she's sad to be alone & worry makes me sick, I gotta gnaw that bone I had one great-grandfather worked in a candy store The other drank himself corroded & blamed the Civil War Oh chocolate & bourbon & however you get free My grandmother had a little dog named Whiskey & she says Here's some fudge for the road, for the road But she means Be careful what you're carrying We like to say Dynamite comes in small packages But we mean Watch out don't explode Mom says moderation is gonna keep us safe But I've seen her leaning towards him, I don't think she's escaped We still got that looming night-brain, you just hide it where you can In the salt, in the sugar, in the glass, in the hand & I gotta watch my fuses, I gotta watch the chords This bloodline's a tripwire, I was born through a trapdoor We like our chocolate & bourbon & our dangling over hell I took my first sip & said Oh I'll sleep well & we all need our sleep, gotta ease off the load But you can't be too careful what you're burying We say If you can't say something nice don't say anything But we mean Watch out there she goes & every family's got its curses, got its sparking choke & copper But I don't think ours is the bottle, no, I think it's the stopper I wanna care for my black hole, wanna let it howl & holler Wanna yell Get off the couch, Mom, stop wearing that collar But at the end of the day, you know, you're in charge of your own cup & she looks almost peaceful, I don't wanna wake her up Just give her chocolate & bourbon, make her feel at home Every family's got its poisons, every family loves its own
8.
I read a banned book I watched the news I went to a party I didn't wear shoes I touched a girl I touched a nerve I touched a boy I got what I deserve I drank the Kool-Aid I drank the booze I paid for dinner I paid my dues I didn't get married in my christening dress I thought about sex I thought about sex My baby left my baby stayed I'm 27 I'm in 7th grade I'm in the basement I'm on TV Said I was blind but now I see I cursed my parents I cursed the Lord I fucked a ghost on the bathroom floor I didn't bleed I bled like hell Didn't plant no seed didn't stem no cell I was a stupid slut I had a PhD I went to 3rd base got the 3rd degree My baby's an anchor my body's a boat My cunt's a butler lemme hang your coat You can call me monster you can call me Mom I birthed an army I birthed a bomb I fell down the stairs I ran into the door Don't ask what these bruises are down here for I'm a heap of trash a precious pearl I'm the Virgin Mary I'm a miracle girl I didn't go to church I didn't go to church I made love second got pregnant first I'm in the stirrups I'm center stage Centerfold I'm the opinion page I'm radioactive I'm ready to blow They say look at you I can see you glow
9.
Let's talk about girls & boys again Let's talk about jokes about sandwiches & knees Let's get a little bit ridiculous Used to be fun when we were little kids I have a cunt, that's a funny word All this stuff's pretty funny, let's be stupid, it's funny Me & my friend we laugh so hard, we Mess up our stories & we almost fall over & what's wrong with us laughing We met when we were 11 & some part of you is always 11 & some part of you is always 19 & some part is always on the attack Like the demon in back of your head that's always screaming Girls, Girls, Girls We're the best of friends, friends, friends She played Helen Keller in the middle school play I was her mom & we practiced Eating lunch with our eyes closed & silent Couldn't see what we were trying to swallow Ask me why couldn't Helen Keller drive This man when the class trip to Washington tried To make us let him touch our heads with a head massager & I was like no thanks & the teachers called to us Girls, Girls, Girls & we ran to our friends, friends, friends We dressed in drag, National Pirate Day Captain Jack Sparrow & Will Turner I can look a lot like Johnny Depp Under certain circumstances They put our picture real big in the yearbook Even straight girls came for a second look The closest we got to being Ferris fucking Bueller Almost except Girls, Girls, Girls Or close enough, yeah, friends, friends, friends & she was always braver than me Or else she couldn't stop herself From knives & tacks to blacking out At parties full of wild hyenas It was there if you knew how to look for it If you'd asked me I'd've told you it was there Wanna know why we're so strong & laugh the hardest Well I don't care When she told me we were 11 I couldn't make pictures out of the words When she told her parents we were 19 I hate the things that men do 11 in a church basement Nobody asked for specifics & I didn't know what to ask her So I shut my mouth & hid her blades for years & they called her whore in the boys' bathroom They'd never say those things about me They were busy egging my garage door I hate the things that you laugh at Let's talk about cunt, that's a funny word I hate the things that men do Let's talk about knees & keeping quiet I hate the things that you laugh at No captain going to turn up I hate the things that men do So blind & deaf in the Capitol I hate the things that you laugh at Let's talk about Girls, Girls, Girls I hate the things that men do We mix up our stories, I almost Fall over some part of you Let's talk about girls & boys again Let's get a little bit ridiculous Used to be fun when we were little kids The things we tangle up
10.
In 5th grade we practiced running Out beyond the fence behind the gravel yard We weren't supposed to go out there Keep your heads where we can see them But we'd gather to a sprint, a leap, keep count, how long, how far I once stayed up 12 seconds in the air Call it what you will, a cheater's tally But I will call it proof Orville & Wilbur's first attempt, 12 seconds Breathless, no higher than the roof & they're building a flying machine A little gliding thing straight out of Miyazaki Like a seagull you can ride & maybe if I'm small enough, I can test the flying machine No stop at 12 seconds Cast the earth aside I don't eat - nobody said it But in middle school I had to force my friends To finish lunch each afternoon They tried to sever all their ties but mostly they're all fine now I believe we had a 7th sense To keep us picking up that supper spoon But sometimes when you wake up sick & sorry It all comes back again & where are you now, oh 7th sense, 12 seconds Say it, you're useless in the end & they're building a flying machine A perfect bird in search of some imperfect pilot You have to be 120 pounds or less & maybe if I'm skinny soon I can test the flying machine Start swallowing cirrus It tastes clean, I'd guess But who knows how the thought goes Were our kid wishes heavy, is weightlessness wrong Am I right in screaming Stay here, give us all of your years No matter how ugly & ungodly long & yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, I live now In the Birthplace of Aviation & that & the friends gathered round in the dark Are my 12 seconds' consolation, yeah & they're building a flying machine & as we stand here helpless witness to its soaring I think of all the counting losing brings But maybe we'll hold tight enough not to need the flying machine We will clutch one another's strings We will wait for our coming wings In 5th grade we practiced running Out beyond the fence behind the gravel yard We weren't supposed to go out there
11.
When things get really bad I make my bed I get the covers neat, I bake some bread, I eat, I get my work done I am very careful I am quite efficient, I'm a good woman, I am simple & it's a sunny morning though the winter come I'll hang out the clothes & whistle some, who knows, it may get better I am not resigned There's a warm blanket, there's a glow of leaf-fall, there's enough time But please, let's not sing any more brave songs, you & I, you & I They leave & leave & leave & leave & leave & you brush your teeth & hug your friends & grieve & shrug & keep on thinking Set the kitchen table Say this one's not missing, think of almost losing & be grateful For this is all that's left for me to do We are warm & sturdy-armed & pulling through unharmed & I am coping I am drinking cider They are here & gone, it is sweet & biting, it is quiet But please, let's not sing any more brave songs, I am tired, I am tired & please don't say you won't stay long, I am tired, I am tired, I am tired & much of life is keeping very still Staying by the windowsill until it's spill, spill, spill & then be empty Til you take it easy Then it's pick you up & it's dust you off & get you ready & it's getting so it's dark at 6:00 I'd like to stay indoors & let us rock back & forth until we're sleeping Wait out the season Let's not say sorry, let's be rid of sorry til the sorrow lessen & please, let's not sing any more brave songs, say they're done Say they're down
12.
The Well 03:51
My dreams are full of apocalypses My dreams are full of the violence of the body Soldiers marching over the hill I reach for the weapons I am carrying inside me & I have been fighting for a long time Deep water, decline I take my pills, I try to treat myself kind None of us is fine, fine My friend she went to college Where you have to watch your sleep You say you got assaulted They put you on medical leave Come back when PTSD Doesn't make it hard to think Yeah come back when you're ready To have another drink They're more afraid of crazy Than they are afraid of strong Crazy says You don't own the truth & this is wrong In the army we drug soldiers Stand guard against their memory No one wants a broken brain No one wants a broken family No one wants a broken home No one wants a broken country No one wants a broken heart No one wants a broken history My dreams are full of electrical disasters Haunted houses, doctors & locked doors & I have dangerous information I am smuggling my friends across the river from the war & we are trying not to drown Emotion & empire, chemistry & crown We gotta get together, go underground Pick ourselves up & take this down There is no private hurt There is no private hell There is no private ward There is no private well I'm not saying I'm not unbalanced I'm not saying I don't need care But everything's unbalanced I won't adjust to what's not fair There's war above the counter & it's hard to fight it blind It's a miracle there's not a war In everybody's mind Oh write me a letter Say what Adrienne said Say I honor your truth & I refuse to leave it at that I honor your danger I honor the tide I honor the water From the well we've been inside

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Now through October 5th, $7 from each album sale goes to support Ann Arbor, Michigan's teen center The Neutral Zone in The Great Write Off, a fundraiser for six Michigan literary arts nonprofits.

credits

released October 3, 2012

All songs written and performed by Fiona Chamness
Harmonic Guitar on "Chocolate and Bourbon": David Tisel
Produced by Ana MeiLi Carling on Insister Records

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Some rights reserved. Please refer to individual track pages for license info.

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Fiona Chamness Ann Arbor, Michigan

Fiona Chamness is a poet and songwriter from Ann Arbor, MI. She is coauthor, with Aimée Lê, of Feral Citizens, published in 2011 by Red Beard Press. She belongs to the poetry ensemble Ann Arbor Wordworks and two bands, Helicopter Parents and The Cutting Room Floor. She has performed poetry and music in Ann Arbor, Chicago, Oberlin, Hanover, Boston, St. Louis, Berkeley, and Sevilla, Spain. ... more

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